The Horrors of Spider Island!

Schadenfreude

2011-09-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

You know how, when a famous person does some prison time, and never lives it down? Even though, speaking fairly, they’ve paid their debt to society, and it’s really not right to rub their face in it too much? Last issue, Carlie Cooper enlisted my profanity-laced wrath. This issue, she’s got worm face. Debt paid, Coopster. Debt well paid.

Birds? Nope! All dead!

I <3 New York City: What? Don’t look at me like that. You think I can do the Spidey symbol in Word? Get real.

Anyway, there’s almost nothing to say about this issue, because it’s fluff. Totally extraneous fluff. And I’m not complaining on that aspect, because I knew that going in. It’s an anthology book set in a crossover with four short stories. There’s pretty much no way this book is going to be important. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyable.

Sadly, it’s not really that enjoyable. There’s a cool little Greg Rucka story which I won’t spoil for you here, and three other filler stories which, with the introduction of this week’s mutation plot point, now have terrifying and horrific implications to them, thus having the heartwarming retroactively sucked out. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about that, beyond finding it funny in a sick way.

Now, here’s a picture of Scottie Young’s Spider-Kitty, which is the single most noteworthy part of the book.

Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine!

Best Quote: “It’s called Spider Sense. Idiots.”

Seriously, Greg Rucka’s short is very fun.

So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: Whiny, half-wit coward?"

Spider Island: The Avengers: Hawkeye, Ms. Marvel and Power Woman stop the Flag Smasher and his newly spider-powered thugs from blowing up the UN building, while receiving unexpected aid from the Fabulous Frog Man. Also, Dani Cage webs up Squirrel Girl.

Deep Thoughts: Okay, this issue is also total fluff, but it’s incredibly enjoyable in execution. Yost writes a standard super-hero tale with enough self-awareness to not take itself and its absurdity too seriously. There’s a lot of fun character interaction, and I really wouldn’t mind getting Yost on a regular Spidey project.

I was also somewhat eager to see someone besides Bendis write Hawkeye; I’m sure he wasn’t always the psychopath Bendis writes him as, but I don’t care enough about the character one way or the other to seek out more stories with him. And then Yost comes along. And writes him as a whiney bitch. Apparently, there’s no way to write Hawkeye in the Spidey-verse that’s not unintentionally hilarious.

Speaking of hilarious guys in goofy costumes, it was nice to see Frog Man treated as semi-competent. His introduction to Ms. Marvel was priceless, (He’s totally an Avenger. In the Initiative. In Kentucky.), as was her declaration at the end that he was “absolutely almost” Avengers material.

And in all of this, the character who wasn’t played for laughs was Flag Smasher. (Well, okay, maybe at the very end.) Actually, Flaggy’s kind of a bad ass in this. Last time we saw him, Agent Venom ripped off his arm. Flaggy, in a practical manner, simply gets a robot arm. And then tries to blow up the UN. It’s hard not to admire his terrorist work ethic. Hey, sometimes your arm gets ripped off by a parasitic space alien bonded to a paraplegic secret agent. These things happen; no need to mope.

So, yeah, this issue is fluff. But it’s also a lot of fun. You should check it out.

Best Quote: “AVENGERS…YAY!”

Frog Man failed “Rallying Cry 101” back in the Initiative.

"All I can eat? The joke's on them!"

Spider-Girl 2: Having been offered a position in the Kingpin’s ranks in order to eliminate the Society of Wasps, Spider-Girl promptly tells the big man to shove it. (And calls him “Spider-Ham”. Burn!) She spends the rest of the day trying to rally other heroes to the cause of stopping the Wasps, but they’re naturally too busy with containing the infestation to help. Spider-Girl is then visited by Madame Web, who’s unusually helpful, straight-up telling her that she needs to partner with an enemy to save the city. (Shang Chi is envious.)

Spider-Girl heads back out, only to find that the Hobgoblin’s been waiting for her, and took the liberty of wiping out a bunch of Wasps on his own. He’s also discovered the location of the Wasps’ leader, the monstrous All-Mother. The two quickly get in over their heads, despite taking down a lot of Wasps in the process.

Paper cuts are brutal.

Who should come to their rescue but Spider-Fisk, who promptly slams the All-Mother through a brick chimney. Undaunted, the All-Mother reveals that her Society has prepared a toxin specifically to kill those infected with spider powers. Realizing they need to regroup, Spider-Girl calls for a retreat, which Fisk reluctantly follows. Deciding it’s for the greater good, Spider-Girl agrees to Fisk’s offer.

Deep Thoughts: See, Spidey? When your fellow heroes won’t listen to you, you go and try to solve the problem yourself. Spider-Girl’s acting more like you than you did. She’s even making deals with evil forces, now; she’s such a quick study.

I gushed over this series last time, and not much has changed; it’s still very enjoyable. The only difference with this issue is that, rather than simply be antagonist characters as they were last time around, Kingpin and Hobgoblin start to steal the show a bit from the title heroine. I don’t mind it so much because they’re both fun characters, but I’m still hoping Anya comes out on top in the finale next month.

My one real gripe is how totally unremarkable the All-Mother is. She’s like the off-brand Brood, who was already an off-brand Alien. She serves her purpose well enough, but she’s fairly boring as the leader of the Wasps. In a mini with two interesting villains, she’s the weak link. Still, very much enjoying this book.

Best Line: “Do all those bad one-liners just come with the spider powers?”

Hobgoblin’s clearly never listened to himself speak.

A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair?

Herc 7: Apparently, all-around awesome guy Hercules lost his godhood during the Chaos War, and is slumming it as a mortal bartender. The issue opens with Herc, in Spider-Man regalia, attacking the X-Men, who are helping maintain a protective barrier around Manhattan. He’s clearly under mind control, and the story jumps back in time to show us why. A couple days prior, Herc was laughing it up with a customer, who claimed to be an exterminator, and may or may not be the legendary Anasasi. Later that night, Hercules is bitten by a bedbug while sleeping, and thinks it a bit too convenient that he develops a pest problem so soon after an exterminator gives him his card.

Suspecting a con, Herc goes to the address on the card, but his exterminator friend doesn’t live there; just an old woman who asks to be left alone. After Herc goes, she’s revealed to be the legendary Arachne. For some reason.

Accosting a group of spider-muggers, Herc realizes that he now possesses spider powers himself, and dons an appropriate costume. Unfortunately, with great power comes great angst (actual quote), and he begins to muse over his lot in life, more torn between two worlds than ever before. Copious beer appears to be the solution, but there’s new problems when Herc comes to the attention of the Jackal’s mysterious benefactor.

Deep Thoughts: Hercules is a fun character, and this is an okay book, but I didn’t really find it that engaging. Perhaps it’s because I’m not a regular reader of the title, but aside from Herc’s hilariously overwrought narration, nothing pulled me in. If you’re not already interested in the title, there’s not that much to recommend, other than the humor of Herc actively riffing on classic Spider-Man imagery.

Best Quote: “Beer! Angst…fading…”

Herc solves fifty years of Spider-Man problems in about fifteen seconds.

Maybe I've just never understood what spider are. Apparently they're hairy bipeds who wear pants.

Amazing Spider-Man 669: Okay, so, after last week, just about anything would be an improvement, right? Well, yes, but while this issue is a step up, I don’t want to damn it with faint praise. This issue does a lot of things right. Like this:

Man, they're future governors of Minnesota.

So, Peter and Carlie Christ...I mean, Cooper, are ambushed by White Rabbit, Chance, and Scorcher, all of whom are now sporting spider powers. Peter uses his new kung fu skills to put them down, but this only makes Carlie suspicious. She tells Peter that he needs to get Spider-Man’s attention, because the trap they walked into confirms her suspicions about the Jackal.

Speaking of, the Jackal is watching the two through a security feed, enjoying it as Peter squirms. He promises his mysterious partner that the plan is proceeding to schedule, as the Spider King is currently trying to spread the plague. The scene cuts to Agent Venom’s battle with said monster from Venom #6, before showing the other heroes in Manhattan doing their part to maintain the quarantine. Interestingly, we see that Mary Jane is one of the only people left in the city who’s still not infected.

Reed Richards and Horizon labs explain to Mayor Jameson that although the bedbugs that spread the virus were sterile, and are now dead, the virus itself has mutated, and is now an airborne contagion. Fortunately, Richards has figured out how to create a vaccine. The infection only targets unaltered human DNA, ignoring mutants and otherwise enhanced individuals. His vaccine will give everyone a low-level super-power (the ability to automatically tell which way is North), which will help halt further infection. Jameson volunteers to be the first to try said vaccine, but unfortunately, he tests positive for infection.

Meanwhile, the real cure is running around the city already, in the guise of Our Hero, Anti-Venom. He’s still curing the crap out of people, but Madame Web realizes there’s simply too many people for him to make that much of a difference. She then collapses, receiving a psychic overload from all the new spider people in her mental web.

At the police station, Spider-Man is trying his best to keep Carlie from figuring out why he and Peter are never in the same place at the same time, when he picks up trouble on his police scanner. He heads off to a bank heist in progress, with Carlie in tow. The culprit turns out to be the Shocker, sporting a new set of spider arms.

At first, Spidey thinks the Shocker is working with the Jackal, but the truth is much more disturbing. The Shocker reveals that he doesn’t know why he’s become a freak, and needs the money to pay the Mad Thinker to cure him. Shocker then rips off his mask; he’s now sporting extra eyes and fangs. He begs Spider-Man to help him, but poor Pete soon has more problems, as Carlie starts to mutate, too.

No, you gonna be da worm face!

Everything’s going according to plan, though, for the Jackal and his partner, who finally reveals herself to be the Queen.

It's a hard room to clash with, but she pulls it off.

Deep Thoughts: I really, really wish I could take credit for figuring out who the Jackal’s benefactor was, but it wasn’t exactly challenging. There were exactly two established characters it could have been, and Madame Web was busy being annoying.

Having said that, I sincerely hope the Queen walks away from this event as a viable recurring villain, because as I’ve so often bemoaned, Spider-Man needs more estrogen in his rogues’ gallery. Although, if she keeps kicking Carlie in the face, White Rabbit could very easily become my favorite Spidey villainess. Can I see that again?

Normally I have to go to a website to see stuff like this.

The other Big Reveal of this issue was the mutation factor of the virus, but this was also a foregone conclusion between the six-armed Shocker on the cover and the promo released a few days ago.

Anyway, aside from the big…well, completely adequate spoilers, the issue itself is a marked improvement over last, although Spider-Man himself is still kind of lost in the big picture. Reed Richards and the Avengers are doing the heavy lifting here, while Spidey deals with relatively minor threats. This story is kind of proving why Spider-Man doesn’t headline big crossovers very much, if you think about it.

Still, I enjoyed this issue a lot more than any issue of Amazing since the prologue, so hopefully this momentum will keep up. Lots of nice character moments from the supporting cast, particularly the Horizon scientists, and the Shocker.

And, hey, Madame Web finally shut up! Score! Although…I’m not really sure what’s happening to her, or why. So, her psychic power was limited to spider powered people? But then why could she sense Venom and Anti-Venom’s future? I really don’t think wearing a spider on your chest is all it takes to be a “spider” for her purposes, is it? Screw the web; it’s your psychic metaphors that are snapping under pressure, Julia.

Speaking of red heads, it’s such an obvious hint that Mary Jane has a secret of her own that I don’t claim credit for noticing it. She’s specifically shown not to have been infect two pages before it’s explained that the virus only targets normal human DNA. I don’t know where MJ got super powers, and I don’t particularly care; I just want to see her hurt things. Like this.

Noooo springs!

Now, three issues in, the one continuing trends I see is how predictably each issue is structured. Open with Spidey, switch to Jackal, Avengers, then FF, a Spidey interlude, the Venoms, Madame Web, then end with Spidey again. This isn’t necessarily a flaw, but it’d be nice to shake it up a bit. I mean, Venom has his own title, for crying out loud. We don’t need to use up pages of Amazing to check on him.

Best Quote: “Girlie, you are late for a very important date…with my foot!”

What? It’s cathartic!

So, this week’s books were pretty good, although Herc is forgettable. And hey, speaking of forgettable, I also picked up Ultimate Comics Spider-Man 1! But that’s for another post.

-E. Wilson, who really hopes that at least someone reading this blog is a MSTie, or he’s going to look like a loon.

Rowsdower!

Updates Later This Week

2011-09-07T06:04:00.001-07:00

If only.

Due to my newly-acquired second job, this week's update will be later in the week. Sorry, folks.

In Which I Am Driven To Swear. Repeatedly.

2011-08-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

Years from now, when you’re inevitably interviewed about the life of the world’s most famous and handsome Spider-Man blogger, you can tell about this day. You may mark this day on your calendar as a momentous shift in the history of this site. This is the day I officially began to hate Carlie Cooper.

But first, we must kung-fu fight!

Let's all get in line in order of reverse importance!

Deadly Hands of Kung Fu 1: Shang-Chi’s been having bad dreams, wherein he’s a spider, attacking and suffocating others in his web. Blaming it on his newly-acquired spider powers, he still thinks it’d be best to discuss it with someone more spiritually inclined. He finds Madame Web, who naturally speaks in completely unhelpful riddles, and instead points him to the direction of the big spider fight downtown.

Shang-Chi goes to help, finding his friend Danny Rand, AKA Iron Fist, among the chaos. The two realize they’ve been having the same dream, and are soon aided by Danny’s ally, the enigmatic Bride of Nine Spiders. Danny and the Bride leave the scene, which prompts Shang-Chi to follow.

It’s worth noting that the Bride of Nine Spiders is a creepy Goth woman who has an inhuman, chattering laugh, and actually uses thousands of tiny spiders as weapons in her mystical attacks. So of course, Danny is completely shocked when she turns on him.

Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

Shang-Chi tries to intervene, but the Bride whups both their asses but good, webbing them both up. Just before he loses consciousness, Shang-Chi realizes that his dreams were about the Bride, and that certain death awaits him at the hands of her mysterious master.

Deep Thoughts: Shang-Chi is another character that I really don’t know anything about, but it’s not exactly hard to figure him out. He knows kung-fu, and he uses kung-fu to help people. The story doesn’t really give you more to go on, and from all appearances, you don’t really need more.

But here’s the thing: you know who I know a little bit more about? Danny Rand, the Iron Fist. And this book so far centers around a betrayal and attack on Iron Fist, from a character known only to Iron Fist, who premiered in Iron Fist’s book. So, uh, why isn’t this book about Iron Fist? What did Shang-Chi bring to the table?

I also have to wonder whether the downtown fight could have been over sooner if people would stop coming and going in the middle of it. Seriously, Dagger, Iron Fist, the Bride, Shang-Chi…why bother starting your story with the downtown brawl if it’s just an impediment to the story you really wanted to tell?

To the book’s credit, the action scenes are fun, although they lack the completely balls-to-the-walls craziness of the Spider-Girl and Venom fights. To the book’s detriment, it seems like the fights are really just padding for the only significant event of the issue, the Bride’s heel turn.

The Bride of Nine Spiders, though, is a fairly fun character, based on what we’ve seen here. She’s creepy, capable, and mysterious enough that I really want to see who her master is. However, she seems to share my opinion with her dismissive handling of Shang-Chi; why is he here?

Best Quote: “The fabled Bride of Nine Spiders, who conceals a soul of horrors and damnation beneath her frail exterior.”

Oh, I get it. Shang-Chi is here for his totally metal inner monologue.

No one steals Christmas on my watch!

Amazing Spider-Man 668: Having gotten his ass handed to him by his own teammates, Spider-Man is told he’s a liability in the battle against the Jackal’s goons, and should make himself scarce. Our hero, remembering his past acts of valor and genius, reacts in the typical heroic fashion that’s made him a cultural icon.

Acts that I know Dan Slott has read.

Oh, wait, no. That would have made sense. Rather, he skulks off to whine about how he’s not wanted. I am not even kidding. (Though, in fairness, a whiny putz wouldn’t be wanted in this crisis, so this really validates Luke Cage’s decision to bench him.) While moping around, he finds someone who clearly has more testicles than him: Norah Winters. She’s on the scene filming the chaos, not knowing she’s about thirty minutes away from swapping spit with a psychopath in a much more entertaining book. The two are also accosted by MJ, who apparently found Carlie Cooper in the chaos. (Peter’s emo blinder apparently kept him from turning his head to the left.)

And luck of luck, it seems Carlie is the only person in the entire city trying to use their spider powers to help out. She’s such a special little snowflake. This gives Peter the idea to use Norah’s camera to deliver a genuinely inspiring rallying cry to the people of New York. (Because, of course, Spider-Man’s never been a leader of men before; thank God that Carlie was there to give him the idea.)

Meanwhile, the Jackal watches with glee. Pete’s playing right into his hands, by getting more people to make public use of their spider powers and thus spread the virus. Not content with that alone, he loads up Spider-King with thousands of mutated spider embryos to spread the infection, leading to the events of Venom 6.

With the help of spider-powered good Samaritans, the heroes are able to subdue all of the Jackal’s goons, and all present are deputized by Mayor Jameson to help maintain the newly-enacted quarantine. With the immediate danger over, the true Spider-Man heads off to find a new way to combat the mysterious spider infection, making the most of his incredible scientific knowledge.

He really can't deny having read them. Not at all.

…Or he just goes to work like it’s no big thing. Damn it, guys! Phil Urich has a better work ethic than Peter in this issue!

Peter meets with his co-workers, who are totally stoked than Reed Richards is on site, working with the mysterious occupant of Lab 6 to combat the virus. We take a moment to remember that one of Pete’s co-workers is such a fucking obnoxious hipster that every time she opens her mouth I wish Doppleganger would eat her, and then Max sends Peter to a job offsite.

We cut to see Anti-Venom using his abilities to cure a less-than-grateful spider-citizen, and Madame Web blathers on with more annoyingly cryptic exposition and I’m reminded than in a perfect world, she or the aforementioned hipster would be my least-favorite characters in this book.

Pete’s offsite job is in the NYPD superhuman evidence locker, retooling confiscated super villain tech for Jameson’s Anti-Spider squad. Carlie comes down to admit that this was her idea, and she wanted him somewhere safe in all the chaos. This is especially impressive since it was Max who told Peter to go do this, working to aid an agency of the Mayor, and I’m fairly certain Carlie hasn’t been in the same room with either one of them. I guess she’s just so cool that people who shouldn’t be giving her the time of day automatically listen to her.

She then proves exactly how awesome she is by revealing that she suspects the Jackal is behind all of this, what with his scientific prowess and interest in Spider-Man’s genetics. Peter kicks himself for not thinking of this sooner, but he really shouldn’t; it’s hard to be as awesome as Carlie Cooper. Still, with this knowledge, Spider-Man, the man who’s led the Avengers, who’s…aw, Hell, you know where this joke is going.

Dan, you...this one was you. You wrote this scene. This is seriously getting embarrassing.

Peter follows Carlie to one of the Jackal’s “last known hideouts” at Empire State University, and if the surprisingly-unsexy ass-shot of the White Rabbit is any indication, the two are about to be ambushed.

Deep Thoughts:

Okay, perhaps I should clarify. As you might imagine by the poorly-executed sarcasm throughout this review, I was not at all pleased with Spider-Man’s conduct during this issue. Just about every decision he made was the wrong one, as he took a backseat in his own book to his Mary Sue girlfriend.

And let’s talk about Carlie, shall we? I’ve called her a lot of things in the past: a downgrade from MJ, mind-numbingly bland, Natalie Portman, you name it. But this single issue changed all that. I have joined the haters. I cannot stand this character. And although it’s a charge that’s thrown out all too often, I’m going to call her a Mary Sue.

Why? Let’s look at only the event of this single issue: She’s literally named as the only person in the entire city using their spider powers responsibly. I guess no other policemen or firefighters or the like got infect, huh? She’s apparently so great that she inspires Peter to make the only smart move he made in this issue. She’s critiquing Peter on the use of his spider powers, and actively keeping pace with him in web-swinging. She apparently has pull with Max Modell and/or Mayor Jameson, based on absolutely nothing. And, in the biggest WTF moment of the book, she’s figured out who’s behind the infection.

…so, uh, were there no other authorities who were actively trying to do so? Reed Richards is on the case, and he didn’t think of it? Tony Stark is on the case, and he didn’t think of it? Hell, any given detective in her own station, with access to the exact same resources, couldn’t figure it out? And not only does she not tell anyone but Peter about her theory, she goes to search for the super villain alone. Well, okay, she takes Peter, which…kind of completely ignores her rationale about keeping him safe. Convenient.

But I absolutely love how she tells Peter to stay back, because she’s been “trained” to deal with situations like this. Carlie, dear, you know what the NYPD does when faced with super villains? They call the fucking Avengers!

And, I know this may be nitpicking, but…when was the last time the Jackal operated out of ESU? And since when were his cloning experiments public knowledge? And even if they were, wouldn’t the police have searched all of his ESU hangouts after the whole Carrion thing? Or the other Carrion thing? Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? (Okay, I’m definitely nitpicking, but for someone as on-the-ball as Slott is with continuity, this is just sloppy.)

This is, bar none, the worst issue of the Big Time era, and possibly one of the worst of the post-OMD era. (And yes, I’m including the story where Spidey meets Obama in that. Both tales make about as much sense.) I’m really disappointed with this issue, especially since I’ve been of the opinion that the worst of Slott’s run has been mediocre, not outright bad.

And, of course, this single issue made me hate Carlie Cooper, from a former stance of passive indifference. That’s…actually kind of impressive.

Best Quote: “Parker! I never get tired of looking at that face. No matter how many times I’ve cloned it, masked it, unmasked it, liquefied it, or worn it like a little hat.”

Oh, just kiss him, already.

Final Thoughts: I’m not a complicated fan, nor a negative one. I just want a Peter Parker whose heroism isn’t an informed ability, not one who acts like a whiny clod to make his girlfriend look better.

In short, I want Spidey to be this:

And I got this:

Fuck that noise. I’m rooting for Anti-Venom, now.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!

-E. Wilson, who notes that it’s really hard to make White Rabbit not look sexy. But Ramos pulled it off.

Carnage: Family Feud

2011-08-29T05:15:00.001-07:00

"All I want is some pants! A decent pair of pants!"

Well, if I can’t review Marvel’s attempt to rework a good-but-terribly executed idea from the 90’s Spidey titles, what am I gonna’ review right now?

Duh! I’ll review Marvel’s other attempt to rework a good-but-terribly-executed idea from the 90’s Spidey titles: Zeb Well’s and Clayton Crain’s Carnage: Family Feud, released in hardcover just this past week.

Ahh, Carnage. What’s there to say about him that hasn’t already been said? He’s a shallow, two-dimensional cipher of a villain that fulfills so many 90’s clichés that it’s actually a bit impressive. And he’s been in some damn terrible stories, including his own origin, wherein he literally throws a baby out a window. That…that’s not something comic villains just up and do. That’s a parody of what comic villains do. He might as well have just tied the damn thing to some railroad tracks and twirled his moustache.

And yet, it’s also hard to deny that Carnage is also a bit unique in Spider-Man’s rogues gallery; his two-dimensional evil makes him stand out among nuanced characters like the Green Goblin, Dr. Octopus, Kraven, and the others. Carnage himself isn’t that interesting, but as a foil for Peter Parker, to make him face a level of human depravity that he normally doesn’t deal with…well, there was potential there. And it was potential that simply was never reached.

Well, except for that one time...

In other words, Carnage’s utility isn’t as a character, it’s as a plot device for an interesting Spider-Man story. And he’s never been put into that good a story. His origin used him to put Spider-Man and Venom on the same side, but that rang hollow because Venom was being artificially forced into a heroic role. (And ironically, Zeb Wells would write a good heroic Eddie Brock in the Anti-Venom mini a couple years back.) The Web of Carnage story used the symbiote to explore Ben Reilly’s character, but was hamstrung because a different writer wrote each part of the story; the idea of “Spider Carnage” was used much more effectively in the finale` of the 90’s Spider-Man cartoon. Maximum Carnage tried to bring in some deep ethical questions, but was just too bloated and unfocused to do it well.

Ah, Mark Bagley. Will you ever stop being awesome?

Ironically, the in-name-only Carnage creature from the Ultimate Universe had a much better grasp on how Carnage should shake Peter Parker to his core. In the initial storyline, Ultimate Peter is so disturbed by the murdering monster that he briefly quits being Spidey. And in the very-fun Shattered Dimensions video game, the Ultimate Carnage stage is, bar none, the darkest of the entire game. (And yes, that’s including the stage with Noir’s cannibal Vulture). If you haven’t played it, Carnage breaks free, and the game’s Macguffin causes all of the SHIELD agents it slaughters off-screen to rise as zombies. That’s right; Carnage causes a zombie apocalypse.

And Ultimate Spidey, who until now had the most generally light-hearted levels fighting Electro and Deadpool, is fucking vicious to this monster. Probably the most bad-ass part of the game is when you throw Carnage into an exposed helicarrier engine. The creature climbs out, causing Ultimate Spidey to snarl, “I’ll stop doing that, when you stop surviving.” Hard. Core.

"Remember when I said I'd kill you last? I lied."

So, to make a long rant short, (too late), a video game taking place in an alternate reality fifteen years after Carnage’s creation understood how to do a good Carnage story better than anyone in the comics really has. And no, I haven’t read Mind Bomb or It’s A Wonderful Life, but I’ll even go so far as to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they’re interesting and well-written. That still doesn’t help the character’s track record all that much.

So, can Zeb Wells save the day? I was cautiously optimistic, and the caution came more from reservations about Carnage than any reservations about Wells. I like Wells’ writing quite a bit; he was far and away my favorite of the initial BND Brain Trust, and even by the end of it, is still tied with Joe Kelly. And he had a pretty good track record with Eddie Brock, having written the decent Venom: Dark Origin and very fun Anti-Venom: New Ways to Live. And Shed proved that he could write some solid horror-themed stories, which is just the atmosphere a Carnage story needs to have. Also, he was teamed with Clayton Crain, who has a unique digital art style that, while I wouldn’t want to see it all the time, is fine in small doses, and it lends itself well to a horror-themed comic.

So, was this the definitive Carnage story I was hoping for? Not quite. But it was fun, laid some groundwork for future stories, and approached the character with the correct mindset.

Also, it had Doppelganger, which automatically makes it awesome.

Can it be hugz tiem now pleez?

I’m not going to do a full recap of events, mostly because, while I’ve only just read the collected story this past week, the individual issues have been out for a while, and plenty of synopses already exist. I’m just going to look at the story as a whole, and see what does and doesn’t work.

The sex scenes don't .

I think the biggest flaw the story has is trying to do too much at once, leaving every character a little bit underdeveloped. Granted, almost all of them are pre-existing folks, but the story rarely has the opportunity to slow down and show us how these events affect the participants. The physical action is fairly simple; the mini really could have used another issue to give it a bit of breathing room.

But that’s still better than conflicting characterization, which is what new character Michael Hall gets. He’s supposed to be a scumbag industrialist tampering with forces he can’t control, yet that characterization doesn’t quite hold because his motivation, (using symbiotic tissue to make improve prosthetic technology), is admirable, if misguided. And he specifically kept Cletus Kassidy alive, rather than simply murder him when he had the chance. Hall’s amusingly-commercial Iron Rangers are such obvious jerkasses that you’re just waiting for Jason Vorhees to slice their heads open, and their deaths, while gruesome, are karmic. Hall…I don’t know. I would have accepted him as a two-dimensional villain, but the dimensions added to him just seem to conflict each other.

And that may just be me.

However, where the story works, it really works. Despite JMS’s best efforts, I still love it when Spider-Man and Iron Man team up, and they play off each other well in this story. Each has their share of cool moments, and it was interesting to see Iron Man mix it up with symbiotes, something I don’t recall him doing all that often.

Probably because he sucks at it.

The cast of villains makes perfect sense here, even the return of the MIA Doppelganger. Shriek and Doppelganger were the only still-living villains from the events of Maximum Carnage, (and even Doppelganger was assumed dead), so it would only be natural that they’d be on hand for Carnage’s return. Also, the events of Maximum Carnage are referred to in-universe as “The Massacre”, which frankly make them sound a lot cooler and more ominous than they actually have any right to claim.

My only regret is that it looks like Shriek won’t be coming back for the follow up mini, which is a shame. A running pet peeve of mine is how lacking in estrogen Spidey’s rogues gallery is, and any opportunity to either have a new female villain or return a minor one to prominence is fine with me. (Sadly, I don’t think my own 14-part crossover pitch, Maximum Belladonna, is going to be picked up any time soon.)

Then again, we also get new symbiote Scorn, who is given so much exposure in this mini that I can only assume that she’s being set up to play a larger role in the story. And frankly, she’s developed rather well for what space she gets: she’s a psychiatrist, someone who thinks of herself as a healer, who is presented with the ugly reality that some people are beyond healing, particularly in a world with people like Shriek and Carnage. She’s already shown herself to be a freaking genius compared to Ashley Kafka.

Maybe she's branching out into physical therapy?

And then there’s the man himself, Cletus Kassidy. It’s worth noting that while his return seems obvious in hindsight, it wasn’t when this mini was being released. In an age when the Venom symbiote is turning tricks like a two-dollar whore, it was completely reasonable to think that someone else would end up with the Carnage symbiote. And the fact that Cletus doesn’t return until the very end of part three really played havoc with the readers’ expectations. I’d imagine Wells was purposefully pulling a little bit of misdirection, and it works well in the story.

I like the story’s take on Kassidy. One of the things about the original Carnage stories that always bugged me was how bad his dialogue was. He sounded like an obnoxious 90’s punk rocker, which kind of undermined his threat level. Just look at this otherwise totally-awesome page from Batman/Spider-Man:

Joker, you don't hassle the Hoff.

God, he’s one dead Teen Titan away from threatening to kill us to death.

Wells’ Kassidy, though, just walked off the set of The Hills Have Eyes; Spider-Man even calls him a “sick hillbilly” during their battle, in a scene that probably shouldn’t have made me laugh as much as it did. Cletus finally speaks like you’d expect someone named “Cletus” to speak, and it works to his advantage. Granted, he’s still a two-dimensional character, but at least he’s one that can be plugged into a better fictional archetype. “Psychotic hillbilly” is scarier than “Obnoxious metal head” any day of the week.

Sentry cares not for Black Sabbeth.

And, finally, Spider-Man finally reacts like Spider-Man should react to a thing like Carnage. Although Crain’s art style doesn’t really show emotion well in masked characters, Wells’ dialogue sells how furious Spider-Man is with the senseless violence. Sure, you know Spidey won’t kill him, (and even Carnage says as much), but Peter is a lot more brutal here than he usually is. As mentioned above, the pacing of the story doesn’t let Wells play with this as much as he could, but it shows a better understanding of Spidey than most Carnage stories in the past.

So, while this wasn’t the end-all be-all Carnage story, is does serve as an enjoyable way to resurrect the character, and set the stage for the next Wells/Crain mini. Wells has made some cryptic comments that this mini may be a lot more important to future Spidey stories than you’d initially suspect, which may make it worth checking out on that alone. But it’s also a fun, creepy story with a great fight scene and a good understanding of all characters involved. I’d definitely recommend giving this one a shot.

-E. Wilson, who notices that it’s now a requirement that one be an amputee to get a symbiote.

I’ve Decided to Stop Numbering the Weeks

2011-08-17T19:19:00.001-07:00

So, after a three-book kick-off, we’re down to a mere two titles. We also have our first example of an existing ongoing being hijacked for this story arc, a time-honored crossover tradition! We’re hitting all the crossover high-points here, so let’s take a look at Spider-Girl: Spider Island 1, and Venom 6.

"For the last time, I don't know any 'Mayday'. Stop calling this number!"

Spider-Girl: Spider Island 1: Anya, also known as Spider-Girl, is hanging out with her gal pal Rocky, also known as Rambo, commenting on the bizarre spider-related happenings throughout the city. And then mutant wasp people with giant daggers come out and try to slit Anya’s throat.

Just to be clear, this isn’t like the Cloak and Dagger review where I brushed through the events because they were boring and inconsequential. Mutant wasp person decides that it’s stabbity time on page two of this book. I already love this freaking comic. All of the exposition about Spider-Girl’s past is given as she leaps through the air with her friend in tow, explaining who these people are and why they’re trying to kill her. She doesn’t explain why mutant wasp people would need giant daggers on top of being mutant wasp people, but at this stage of a super hero career, one just stops questioning such things.

Having gotten Rocky to safety and switched into costume, Spider-Girl realizes that the mutant wasp people aren’t just targeting her; they’re also going for any of those folks infected with spider powers. It seems these Scott McNeil wannabes are part of the Society of the Wasp. (It’s a good thing they’re mutant wasp people; I don’t think “Society of the Pony” is nearly as threatening.) And since they’re the sworn enemies of the Society of the Spider that gave Anya her powers, they want her head. Along with the head of every spider person in the city.

While trying to fight off the wasps, (as a Floridian, this is a plight I can deeply sympathize with), Spider-Girl runs smack dab into a horde of Hand ninja. The ninja tell her to come with them if she wants to live, and start taking out as many of the wasps as they can. Spider-Girl is doing her best to keep innocent people out of harm’s way during all this chaos, when the Hobgoblin arrives.

To put this all in perspective, there’s an infectious plague that grants super powers, which has led to a cult of mutant wasp people getting into a bloody battle with a group of ninja, while a heroine is trying to protect innocent lives, and a flying man dressed as a demon has just entered the fray. If this comic was a woman, I’d make sweet, awkward love to it.

The Hobgoblin pulls Spider-Girl out of the fight and uses his lunatic laugh to kill the remaining wasps and ninja. He takes SG to his employer, Wilson Fisk, who offers the girl a job. She rebuffs him, but the Kingpin reveals three things: first, he knows full well that the Society of Wasps is hunting spiders. Second, he knows Spider-Girl’s true identity. And most alarming, Wilson Fisk is infected as well.

Deep Thoughts: Confession time! I never bought an issue of Paul Tobin’s Spider-Girl series. Oh, I wasn’t mad about the MC2 title being cancelled; that book had a good run. I just thought, meh, I’ll pick it up in trade. Oops. And I think we all know that my 2.99 was the difference between life and death for the title. Sorry, Paul Tobin. My bad.

But, good God damn, this was a fun comic. It makes the wise decision of using Spider Island as a backdrop rather than a centerpiece, and then proceeds to do its own damn thing. And what it does is fun. It immediately pulls me into the action, tells me all I need to know about the main character, and sets up an intriguing conflict for the rest of the story. What few nitpicks I had (How, exactly, do the wasps “work”?) will probably be explained in the remainder of the mini. And by mixing in established villains like Fisk, the Hand and the Hobgoblin, the book provides additional tension without having to slow down and explain their motivations and characterization. Only the Wasps are left to explore, and given how enjoyable a story Tobin’s started here, I doubt he’ll waste their potential.

In terms of the overarching story event, I’d imagine this takes place shortly prior to the events of Amazing Spider-Man 667, mostly due to the inclusion of the Hobgoblin. Deadly Foes takes places very shortly after Amazing 667, and Phil is already in his costume when the Deadly Foes story begins. He makes his exit in this issue after delivering Spider-Girl to Fisk, so he most likely returns to his lair to start off that next story. (And yes, there will be a timeline put together at the end of this event.)

What else can I say? This was a fun little book. If you’re at all interested, give it a shot.

Best Quote: “You forget who you’re talking to? I’m one of the real spiders! If you have any trouble telling the difference, just remember, I’m the angry one!”

You won’t like her when she’s angry.

I told you not to pick at that, Flash.

Venom 6: Corporal Flash Thompson is Agent Venom, a black-ops commando who uses the Venom symbiote in the service of his country. He’s joined by his handler, no-nonsense Captain Glover, and the symbiote’s handler and team scientist, Lieutenant McKenzie. The operation is overseen by the blind General Dodge, joined by his seeing eye dog, Samson. In his personal life, Flash is seeing Betty Brant, and recently had a falling-out with his abusive alcoholic father. Said father is now in the hospital, slowly dying from liver failure.

As the issue opens, Agent Venom is dropped onto a bridge out of the city, as the monstrous Spider King is fighting its way past the Firestar and Gravity, trying to break quarantine and get out of the city. Fortunately, the beast is slowed down trying to get across the bridge over the water (as a Floridian, this is a plight I can deeply sympathize with.), giving Agent Venom the chance to subdue the beast. It’s taken back to their base, and stored in a containment unit similar to where the symbiote is kept while not bonded to Flash.

McKenzie is hoping they can discover the creature’s origin, and a way to cure the infection, when the Spider King’s self image problems kick in. Realizing it’s not yet skinny enough to be pretty, it starts vomiting thousands of tiny spiders inside its cell. McKenzie realizes that the Spider King’s goal was to spread the infection outside of Manhattan, so they pretty much got played by a big spider that vomits small spiders. (Your tax dollars at work?)

Spider King escapes captivity, and the humans have to flee, leaving the symbiote and Samson behind with the creature. Because they’ve read The Andromeda Strain, they realize they’ll have to firestorm the entire base to keep the infection from spreading. That’s not going to matter, though, since Spider King is minutes away from laying eggs in their orifices. Fortunately, the symbiote broke free during the chaos. Because it’s seen Alien3, it bonds to Samson and heads back to Flash. Just before he experiences the unrated version of Charlotte’s Web, Flash becomes Agent Venom again and leads the Spider King away from the safe room, where the others plan to ride out the destruction sequence.

The beast is now between Agent Venom and the destruct switch, so Flash is ready to use lethal force. However, McKenzie stops him, after the results of his DNA test come back. Based on these results, the Spider King is none other than…Captain America! Agent Venom spares the Spider King, but activates the destruct sequence, killing the smaller spiders.

Because they’ve read the first twenty pages of this issue, the team imprisons the weakened Spider King in a much more secure cell in the remaining safe room. General Dodge, disgusted that the unknown persons behind the outbreak could do this to Captain America, orders Flash to infiltrate the enemy camp, disguised as the Spider King. Flash is completely on board with this plan, even knowing that his father is on death’s door, and Betty is asking him to be there.

Deep Thoughts: I have no idea what’s happening on this cover. I should get that out of the way first.

If you haven’t been reading Venom, this issue loses a bit of drama, and not just from the general lack of knowledge about the scenario, and lack of attachment to the secondary characters. Rather, you lose drama by not knowing how willing Remender is to completely screw with the formula of his own book. The two Amazing Spider-Man issues that led into the new Venom book set out a series of rules on how the character was supposed to operate. Remender then spent the entire first story arc breaking said rules. Flash stayed bonded with the suit far above his time limit, lost complete control of himself, picked a fight with Spider-Man, had his secret identity discovered by his arch enemy, lied to his commanders, and destroyed the explosive failsafe to keep the symbiote under control. (As a Floridian, this is a plight I…wait, no.) The stakes in this book feel real, because Remender’s established that nothing is safe.

The book makes it clear that Thompson, although doing his best, is on the razor’s edge, and at any time, everything could come crashing down around him. This issue continues that trend; Flash’s father is dying, and even as he’s battling for his life, he can’t stop thinking about it. Granted, last issue Flash pretty much told his dad to piss off, and he’s well within reason to do so. That still doesn’t mean he can just switch those thoughts off, especially when Betty is practically begging him to be there.

This issue also (finally) gives more attention to the other members of Flash’s team, although they’re still fairly two-dimensional. Still, it was nice to have McKenzie and Glover do something, for a change.

The big draw, though, is the Spider King, who proves to be a powerful, if completely disgusting, enemy. As for the big reveal…no. No, it’s not Captain America, for all the obvious reasons. Rather, this pretty much solidifies my theory that the Jackal’s mysterious benefactor is the Queen, who has a history with the Super Soldier program. With all the spidery tinkering that’s been done to Spider King’s DNA, it’s not unreasonable to think that McKenzie saw bits of Super Soldier, and jumped to a logical conclusion. (Also, think about it: “Queen” and “Spider King”. Puns so bad even I didn’t make them.)

In terms of the larger arc, this also takes place after Amazing 667, because the city is officially under quarantine. More obviously, Spider King was no longer at Jackal’s side (as he was when we last saw him), and the Young Allies have broken off from the larger group of heroes. And speaking of the Young Allies, why don’t they have their own Spider Island special? I don’t know much about the group, but I’d be up for it if it included something as off-the-wall as Spider-Girl’s book did.

This was also a great book, but it’s a completely different animal than its sister title. Spider-Girl was light hearted comic-book fun. Venom was the dark continuation of a conflicted man’s best efforts to serve a higher ideal. You probably don’t need to read this issue to understand the rest of the crossover, but you should definitely give the new Venom book a shot. And if you read Venom, you can understand this issue’s plot with only marginal knowledge of Spider Island. Really, this is a great example of how a crossover issue of an ongoing title should work.

Best Quote: “We are…bad at this job.”

Don’t worry, McKenzie; you’re still overqualified to work at the Umbrella Corp.

Final Thoughts: This week was a lot better than the last, if only because rather than three varying books, we got two really strong titles, each playing to a different style of story line. Both Spider-Girl and Venom could be enjoyed individually or as part of the larger event, which is something I’ve seen few crossovers pull off. Wow! Now I’m totally psyched for next week’s books!

…what’s that? There’s no Spider Island title shipping next week? Just a reprint book? That…was actually unanticipated. Well. I’ll think of something Spidey-related to fill this space. The alternative would be me finding another outlet to rip off jokes from The Lonely Island, and I don’t think I can do that.

Song of the Week: "Indestructible", by Disturbed. This one's for you, Flash!

-E. Wilson, who was very pleased that both issues this week featured a preview of the “Derek Storm” comic. Richard Castle, bitches!

Carlie's Rap

2011-08-15T17:55:00.000-07:00

We’re sitting here today with New York police scientist Carlie Cooper.

Hi.

So, Carlie, what’s a day in the life of a police scientist like?

Are you sure you want to know?

Please, tell us.

I got spidey powers, bitches, swingin' up in the air,

Clothesline a motherfucker and I don’t even care

(Damn, Carlie, ain’t you got any class?)

Yo, pucker right up and kiss my ass!

I chew up little bitches like a fattie eatin' popcorn,

Gonna’ break into the Raft and smack the shit outta Osborn

(What you want, Carlie?) To crawl up walls!

(What you need, Carlie?) To punch you in the balls!

My old homegirl Lily got a lot of fucking nerve,

Gonna’ find that fucking Menace and make her kiss the curb!

MJ too, if she don’t get the clue,

Pete’s my man now, Redhead, so fuck you!

I’m sorry, Carlie, are we to believe you condone police brutality?

I never said I was an idealist.

But what about the people of New York? Do you have a message for them?

The people in New York best keep their heads low,

I got spider powers now, and I’m the star of the show!

Web you up, blood rushin' to your head,

Let you fall down on the ground or just leave you for dead.

And to my man, who don’t want this to stick,

(It’s too dangerous!) Grow some balls, you lil prick!

(C!) It’s for Carlie! (C!) It’s for cop!

Dangle you out a window and then let your ass drop!

Well, Carlie, I’m surprised. All this from a police scientist.

Well, there’s a lot you don’t know about me.

Such as?

When I’m on the beat, you best not get me mad,

I’ll fuck your shit straight up,

Just go and ask my dad.

I’m swingin' with the spiders, you’re stuck here on the ground,

I’ll get right up in your face, and make a thwip!

(Carlie, you are one crazy cop,

And I always step right out your way,

When you break into the Raft,

And as for the violence, we all suspected that,

Doc Ock is scared of you.)

Ooookay. Well, one final question. If you could train with any Avenger, past or present, which one would it-

THWIP!

No more fucking questions.

Week One: Outbreak

2011-08-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

And we’re off! Let’s hit the ground running with this week’s releases: Amazing Spider-Man 667, Deadly Foes, and Cloak and Dagger 1.

Man, Iron fist just phoned in the Spidey cosplay.

Amazing Spider-Man 667: Spider Island begins fairly dramatically for Peter Parker, as his new, incredibly boring girlfriend Carlie Cooper reveals to him her brand-new spider powers. Peter immediately pisses me off by making me remember Spider-Man: Reign, wondering if he passed his own spider powers to her during intimacy. Thankfully, it only takes him another second to realize how incredibly stupid a thought that is, and we may now continue to ignore Reign forever.

Carlie wants to use her powers for Good, but Peter points out how incredibly dangerous the superhero lifestyle is. Irritated but not relenting, Carlie agrees to shelve the conversation until they drop May and Jameson Sr. off at the airport, so the two newlyweds can start their new life in Boston.

Meanwhile, Madame Web shows Shang Chi a meeting of top figures in NYC’s underworld, called by the Jackal. The Jackal, now flanked by monstrous spider-creatures Tarantula (formerly Kaine) and Spider King (Identity unknown), makes an example of the more unruly mobsters, revealing to the rest of them that their new spider powers are his doing. He promises them great rewards if they join his new syndicate, and supplies them with various Spider-Man costumes to hide their identities.

Peter sees Aunt May and Jameson Sr. off, and there’s a touching moment.

A short time later, Mary Jane is downtown when all Hell breaks loose, and the various Spider-Thugs run wild. The Avengers, the FF, and the Young Allies arrive to try and control the chaos, while Mayor Jameson prepares to finally put his Anti-Spider-Squad to good use.

The panic downtown causes a traffic snare which brings Peter and Carlie’s trip home. Hearing about the disturbance on the radio, Carlie swings off to help, over Peter’s objections. Once she’s out of sight, he changes to Spider-Man and follows.

Madame Web and Shang Chi arrived just in time to see the real Spider-Man be beaten into submission along with the fakes, his friends and allies being in a “shoot first ask questions later” mood in regards to spider people. The issue ends with Shang Chi rushing to Spider-Man’s aid, as the hero lies unconscious, indistinguishable from the other spider people.

Deep Thoughts: Well, first things out of the way: this issue marks the entry of Amazing Spidey into the $3.99 for 22 pages club. How badly does that suck? For me, personally, Amazing is one of only three or four books I actually buy in individual issue form, so it’s not that much of a difference. I’m not saying I’m pleased, but it’s not a deal-breaker for me personally. But I can’t imagine this pricing model is going to survive too long when DC’s making such a fuss about drawing the line at 2.99.

Anyway, this issue feels a bit less impressive than last, because while the plot is actually progresses, (as opposed to simply recapping itself), it doesn’t do so by much. The Jackal’s causing chaos, but we still don’t know to what ends (although historically, his forays into organized crime have always just been a way to screw with Spidey).We don’t get another appearance of Jackal’s mysterious lady friend, so no clues are offered to her identity. May is out of the picture for the time being, but we already knew that was happening. Carlie Cooper has spider powers, but we already knew that. Granted, now Peter does too, but since they shelve discussion of the issue, it doesn’t make a difference.

Essentially, the big moment for the entire issue is the fight between the Spider-Thugs and the various Marvel heroes, and while it’s a fun fight, it does feel over far too quickly. Spider-Man himself arrives too late to make a difference, and while Madame Web pretentiously articulates the obvious about Spider-Man’s place in Spider Island, it still rings hollow because Spider-Man is more than just a power set. The way the other heroes mopped the floor with the Spider-Thugs, who had no experience or self-discipline in regards to their power, should really have cemented that point.

Perhaps I’m being too negative, but this issue really felt like more set-up, and that’s not at all what we needed. Hopefully, the next issue will pick up; it’s time for things to start happening, darn it.

Best Quote: “…the entire Anti-Spider-Patrol! You all mocked me for putting thirty percent of the city’s budget into it! Well, who’s laughing now?!”

J. Jonah Jameson: Publisher. Mayor. Visionary.

Oh, hey! Great cover! Isn't that a cool shot? It's totally not in this issue! Yay!

Spider Island: Deadly Foes: This issue is broken into two stories, one starring the Hobgoblin, and a second starring the Jackal and Kaine.

The Hobgoblin’s tale opens with him recounting his own past, glad that he’s finally stopped being a loser and taken control of his life. In addition to his flashy new job as the Kingpin’s top assassin, he’s also involved in a totally healthy relationship with Norah Winters.

Wait, did I say, “totally healthy”? I meant Norah is dating Randy Robertson, and Phil is stalking her with his flying goblin cameras. Sorry; I get those confused sometimes.

Anyway, Norah is rushing to report on the chaos downtown, but when Phil doesn’t pick up his phone right away, she rings Randy to act as her camera man instead. Phil’s pissed, and decides it’s finally time to eliminate the competition. Randy, meanwhile, is more concerned with getting Norah out of danger than getting her story.

Norah arrives in time to see Mary Jane filming Peter Parker, who is making an impassioned plea to law-abiding New Yorkers to use their spider powers to stand up to the lawlessness in their city. (This story takes place after Amazing 667, probably during Amazing 668, since the battle is still going on). Seeing an amateur like MJ getting a piece of the journalistic action only makes her more determined to get a scoop. Randy arrives and tries to convince her to go to safety, but a story drops right into their lap as the Hobgoblin arrives.

Hobby uses a cover story of attacking Randy as a message to his father, happy to be killing his rival and getting Norah her story all in one move. He’s quickly thrown off when Randy starts fighting back, having been infected with spider powers of his own. Norah keeps filming while the two fight, with the Hobgoblin realizing that not only is Randy physically stronger than Spider-Man, but he has an additional ability: the ability to fire tiny poison darts from his hands. The Goblin loses his bag of tricks in the struggle, noting (correctly) that Norah would be far too focused in getting her story to even think of using these weapons to help Randy. When the Goblin regains control of the battle, Randy decides to just end it by slamming a car down on top of his foe.

Randy then destroys Norah’s camera, calling her out on how she’d refused to help him. Norah stammers something about journalistic impartiality, but Randy is (understandably) peeved. He breaks up with her, warning that her obsession with her work is going to end with her either dead or alone. Meanwhile, the Goblin is under the car, playing possum to let their conversation play out.

Moments after Randy has left, Norah is wondering whether or not he was right, when Phil arrives with his own camera. Obviously battered and bruised from the fight, he makes up a story about having been caught by some spider-muggers. Impressed by his dedication to both getting the story, and his personal dedication to her, Norah kisses him. The two go off into the chaos to get Norah’s story, with Phil reflecting on how pleased he is to have finally taken control of his own destiny.

Deep Thoughts: Norah Winters is not an emotionally healthy woman. Her self-image is tied so deeply to her profession that she’s willing to place herself and others in harm’s way in order to get a story. And, ironically, Phil’s able to replace Randy because Phil understands this completely. Phil’s unhealthy as well, but he’s ill in a way that’s completely compatible with Norah. It’s actually kind of funny.

This story serves to put Phil into position for his upcoming appearance in the Spider-Girl tie in coming out next week, and while that’s all well and good, it’s a bit hard to take Hobgoblin serious as an arch enemy of Spider-Man if he keeps spending all his time fighting Spidey’s protégé. But we’ll have to wait to see how that turns out.

What’s more important to the overall story line is that Randy’s spider powers weren’t just stronger than Spider-Man’s, they were completely different. With the poison stingers and organic webbing, these were really more akin to the abilities Spider-Man gained in the wake of the shockingly boring “The Other” story in 2005. This adds credence to those who suspect the Jackal’s mysterious benefactor may be Ero, Shanthra, or the Queen.

Best Quote: “I’m not your Gal Friday. You’re mine.”

Norah puts Phil in his place, and Phil is surprisingly okay with this.

And speaking of the Jackal…

The Jackal’s tale begins immediately after the conclusion of the Grim Hunt story, with Kaine digging his way out of his own grave. We find that it was the Jackal who dubbed him “Tarantula”, as the mad professor drags the clone back to his lab and begins to enhance the spider DNA in him. He’s accosted by a woman with Gwen Stacy’s silhouette, who accuses him of sadistically toying with Kaine, and all his other clones. The Jackal isn’t pleased to see her, and orders the newly-spiderized Tarantula to kill her.

Tarantula tries, but the woman easily makes short work of him, infecting him with the Carrion virus. She stands revealed as a zombified clone of Gwen Stacy, the very first clone the Jackal ever created. Called “Abby” by the Jackal, she confesses that she murdered the Joyce Delaney clone, (seen in a short prologue to this story), and she’s here to stop the Jackal’s games once and for all. The two fight, bringing the lab down around them. Tarantula recovers, and given the choice between which to save, pulls the Jackal out of the burning wreckage. Tarantula explains (roughly) that the Jackal is his father, who came back for him, as opposed to Abby, who tried to kill them.

The Jackal wonders what it was that got Abby so fired up in the first place, and he’s approached by the mystery woman from Amazing 666, who admits that she used Abby as a test, to see if the Jackal was a worthy partner. She presents him with a strange blood sample, much to the mad doctor’s delight.

Deep Thoughts: Wow, they finally killed Joyce Delaney. One can debate whether or not this was a worthwhile death or simply a crass fridging, but considering how many time Marvel’s tried to get rid of her over the years, it’s almost funny to see them finally kill the ol’ Gwen Stacy clone off. I guess she’s now out of the running as the mystery woman.

And then they introduce a brand new (yet still old) Gwen Stacy clone, Abby. I don’t know if the name “Abby” is significant in any way, so someone please let me know if it is. Regardless, while it’s a clever idea (of course Miles would clone Gwen before he cloned Peter), if she’s really dead at the end of this story, there’s really not much of a point to her introduction. Of course, I really, really, don’t think she’s dead. In fact, she’ll probably be back before the end of this event.

Kaine’s renewed loyalty to the Jackal may seem odd, or out of character, but it makes perfect sense when you think about it. Here’s a character that’s been written out of the book three times, and each time it was in an attempt to forge a bond with his whacked-out “family”. He took a stake through the heart to save the Jackal in Maximum Cloneage, turned himself in to the authorities to let clone degeneration run its course, making peace with Ben Reilly in Redemption, and died in Peter’s place in the Grim Hunt. Kaine will do anything to create something even remotely resembling a family bond. Poor guy needs a hug.

There were two problems with this story, the first being the pacing. A lot happens in this story, but very little time is given to let such things as Kaine’s transformation or Abby’s revelations sink in with the reader. Two or three more pages would have really helped even the story out.

The second problem, much more pronounced, is the artwork. It’s incredibly cartoony in several places, particularly on the Jackal. Poor Miles looks less like a deranged maniac in a costume (or a genetically-engineered furball; still haven’t determined which one he is, yet), and more like a rejected Loony Toons character. It really undercuts the story, particularly since the Jackal is a pretty over-the-top character to begin with.

Best quote: “What kind of day gives his long-lost son drugs twenty seconds into their reunion? I’ll tell you what kind: Best. Dad. Ever!”

No funny comments. The man’s logic is sound.

More Deep Thoughts: On the whole, I have mixed feelings about this special. The Hobgoblin story was a simple story told very well. The Jackal story was more complex and ambitious, but suffered for lack of space and sub-par art. Additionally, neither seems all that imperative to the event as a whole, and could probably be skipped without missing anything.

On the other hand, I love Spider-Man’s villains, and stories told from their point of view. I loved this issue for that alone, and would easily say this was my most enjoyed issue of the week. You probably already know if you’d be interested in this special.

So...has the cover artist ever seen a spider, or what?

Cloak and Dagger 1: Cloak and Dagger are super heroes. They live in a church, and get tossed out. Then Cloak acts a taxi to bring superheroes to the battle downtown, and Dagger ditches the fight early to catch an evening college class. Across town, Mr. Negative talks to a Chinese mystic who predicts that he’s going to die, and Dagger is the one who’ll kill her.

Uh, yeah. Not a whole lot happens.

Deep Thoughts: I’ve got to admit that I really don’t get the appeal of Cloak and Dagger. I know that they’re incredibly popular cult characters, but they’ve never resonated with me. So all this character bantering between the two of them, that takes up the majority of the issue, doesn’t mean anything to me. I don’t know why they’re living in a condemned church, and I really don’t know why they aren’t a couple by this point, considering the way they bicker.

And I have to say, the way Cloak’s used to zip the heroes across the city to get to the battle really doesn’t make any sense in the way it’s presented. To read these pages, you’d think the Avengers were just out cruising around when they stumbled across Cloak and thought, “Hey! Maybe he can take us to that big Spider-Thug invasion! Not like we have a jet or anything!”

The reappearance of Mr. Negative was a bit more substantive; when we last saw him, his secret identity had been outed by Anti-Venom. (Okay, Spidey helped, but poor crazy Eddie needs all the kudos he can get.) His own henchmen were keeping Martin Li prisoner until he’d revert to Mr. Negative, seeing that Li was useless to him. Apparently, he’ since turned back into his darker personae, and is concerned that his death is imminent. Apparently, Dagger is destined to do the deed, and I recall that both Cloak and Dagger share their origin with Mr. Negative, all dating back to the same illegal experiments.

All said…I just really don’t care. Having said that, though, I’ll give full credit for the art: it’s freaking gorgeous. But that’s not enough to recommend this book. Hopefully, something of import happens next issue.

Best quote: “Ha! He won’t be putting that in the downstairs girl no more!”

Every single gangland hit, a Dick in a Box!

Final Thoughts: The event is off to an uneven start, but there are still several new talents to introduce and a couple new miniseries to kick off. I’m very optimistic, mostly because I had no expectations for Cloak and Dagger one way or the other.

Song of the Week: “Love Me Dead” by Ludo, for those new sweethearts Phil and Nora.

-E. Wilson, who thinks the Jackal’s family tree is one Delorean away from challenging the Summers’.

You Are Now Entering Spider Island

2011-08-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

Looks like the Battlechargers are on the loose again.

I don’t know how common of a comic book fan that I am; I’m certainly taller and far more handsome than most, but I’ve also missed a couple milestones that I suspect other fans have enjoyed. I don’t have a comic book signed by anybody, I’ve never been to a convention, and, relevant to the current discussion, I’ve never collected the entirety of a crossover. Part of this is a result of my favorite character not lending himself to (good) crossovers. Sure, Spider-Man may be the most popular hero in Marvel’s stable, but in-universe, he really doesn’t find himself at the center of events in a city that hosts Iron Man, Thor, the Fantastic Four, and the X-Men.

Apparently, Dan Slott wants to prove otherwise.

And hey, since DC pretty much gave me a giant-arse jumping-off point for their entire line, I have some extra cash in my comics-buying budget. Now, I don’t want to give the impression that this decision was entirely arbitrary; I was genuinely interested in this event, for two reasons. First and foremost, I was intrigued by the idea of bringing (almost) all of the current Spider-Man subplots to a head in a single event. (Doctor Octopus’s Machiavellian machinations will no doubt take a back seat for the time being.) Additionally, this event promises to feature many characters and sub-plots from the (sometimes unfairly) maligned Clone Saga from the mid-90’s, the era of Spider-Man I started reading in. It took a while, but a comic finally managed to lull me in with nostalgia. (Sorry, Geoff Johns; you make a good effort on that front, but I can only be nostalgic for comics I was actually alive to read.)

And now I’ve realized that the mid-90’s are being treated with nostalgia. And I now feel old.

Regardless! I’ve been looking for a good catalyst to start blogging again after Real Life so unceremoniously derailed that particular hobby, so I figure this would be a good vehicle to chronicle my first total immersion into a crossover event. Each week I’ll be reviewing the crossover issues released, seeing what’s good and what’s crap, and telling you which to read, which to skip, and how to think. You’re welcome.

Now, to get everyone up to speed:

For the past few months, there’s been a two-page mini-story in Spidey’s book called “Infestation”, giving us glimpses of what’s going on. They’re not strictly necessary reading, although a couple of them are cleverly done. In short, the Jackal is back, and he’s unleashed a host of genetically-modified insects that infect whomever they bite with spider powers. The Jackal is cataloguing some of these reactions, and actively recruiting criminals and degenerates that get infected.

Okay, okay, I’m with you so far. Just a quick question: the Jackal’s back? What the bloody Hell? Granted, I have no problem with the character’s return from a logistics standpoint; the guy’s a master of cloning, and all. But the way he simply appears out of nowhere, with no dramatic build-up, is a bit jarring. (And Slott did the same thing with the reveal of the new Venom. Huh.)

In addition to the “Infestation” teasers, there’s also some set-up in the Free Comic Book Day Spider-Man issue; to compensate for the recent loss of his spider sense, Peter’s been training with Shang Chi to learn him some real kung fu. What Peter doesn’t know is that Julie Carpenter, the new Madame Web, put Shang Chi up to this; she used her psychic abilities to predict that something bad is about to go down, and wants Spidey to be ready. Because it appeared outside of the regular series, I’m not certain where it’s supposed to take place, chronologically, but it’s definitely prior to issue 664; in that issue, Peter’s following up on said training with Shang Chi.

Amazing Spider-Man 666 is the only completely-required reading to start the event, taking the time to bring you up to date on everything that’s happened to the character since the start of the “Big Time” run. And honestly, it does a pretty good job of things. On the one hand, if you’ve been reading the whole run, then most of this issue feels like padding. On the other hand, there are several very nice character bits, particularly Spidey and the Thing cracking on each other. The real meat starts at the end, when we see the Jackal, the new Tarantula, and a couple of mystery characters. Those five pages pretty much fueled the entirety of the online speculation about the event, and I’m not going to spoil them here. Go buy the issue.

(Additionally, Amazing Spider-Man 666 was available with a personalized retailer incentive cover. If your local shop ordered some of these, consider supporting them and buying the book, even if you’re not particularly interested in Spidey. With the economy firmly in the john, it’s always nice to support your local shop. My own local shop is linked to at the bottom of the page, for those readers in the Tampa Bay area.)

No Spider Island titles came out this past week, but the event begins in earnest on August 10th, so you can bet I’ll be there. And shortly thereafter I’ll be here, breaking events down for all seven of my loyal readers. It won’t just be a synopsis, however; it’ll also be the personal journal of one handsome man’s experiences in the modern comic crossover. Will the experience prove worthwhile? I aim to find out.

-E. Wilson, who can't believe he made a Battlechargers reference.